I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
