The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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