how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
