Don't make out with my wife yet
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
