Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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