Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
