Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
We have so much sex to catch up on
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Im part way to drunk.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
