I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
