I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
