Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I could fuck to npr.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
