mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize