you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
