3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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