Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
