Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
