If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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