I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
