how can u be prego again
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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