apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
are you so shy because you have an std?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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