I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
