Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
