Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
so let's talk penis.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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