There is no way he is gay with that hair.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
