Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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