We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
