Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
