My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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