Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
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