If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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