twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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