my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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