I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
