i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
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