paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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