He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
