In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
