I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
