You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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