Betty ford says i'm here all night
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
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