Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
