The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
