You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
