He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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