it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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