if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i would one night stand the shit outta him
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
