im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
