Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
