Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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