Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
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