Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
