you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
