What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize