Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
