she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
