you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
