The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
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