All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
