i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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