He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
