my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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