I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
