if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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