well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
