I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize